This Is Going To Be More Awkward Than Seventh Grade Health Class

I was at a girls night out a few weeks ago. Talking with a few of the ladies, the conversation turned to fun date night ideas. I told the girls how Brett and I like to have staycations, where our kids go to their grandparents house and we stay home. (We save a lot of money by not staying in a hotel, and we sleep so much better in our own bed. As a forever exhausted mom, sleep is my number one goal when my kids are away.)

I added at the end of the conversation, “We even use our pool to…”

“Skinny dip??” My friend interrupted.

Actually, I was going to say swim.

However, because my filter died with my metabolism a few years ago, I obviously had to go with skinny dipping instead.

Naturally, the conversation took a hilarious turn. And I kid you not…one of the girls got up and left. She literally went home.

The rest of us about fell out laughing. (That’s probably mean, but I only speak facts. And it’s just what happened.)

We are all married women. This wasn’t an x-rated conversation.

The girls and I joked about how I lack a filter in conversations. I actually used to have boundaries, so even I am surprised by what comes out of my mouth sometimes.

I blame this on my dad.

Most dads give their daughters one last bit of wisdom before giving her away on her wedding day, and my dad was no different. Usually it’s tender and sweet and the things country songs are made of.

 photo dadmewed_zps6spab8oh.jpeg

Except my dad is too funny for that. His parting wisdom (this is 100% factual),

“If you don’t give it to Brett, he’s going to get it somewhere else.”

We are a precious people.

I was horrified in the moment, but ten years later, I have discovered that the secret to marriage is really pretty simple.

(This comes with the hopefully obvious disclaimer that I am talking about normal marriages with two well-meaning people with absolutely no abuse present.)

(This also does not apply to anyone with a newborn. Life is too hard right now. Read this in a few months.)

This may be just my experience. But I have a feeling it’s a universal truth.

Men want sex.
And women want help.

Am I right?

Last night, Brett cleaned the kitchen. Without me asking. And the kitchen was…gross is putting it too nicely…a toxic wasteland, perhaps?!

I texted him this…

 photo brett1_zpsqytq6jzi.jpg

…with the caption, “This is a pic of a man who’s gonna get laid asap.”

I was tired.
I had been cleaning my house (sans my kitchen) most of the day.
The kids needed to be put to bed.
No part of me entertained a romantic thought.

Until I saw my man cleaning the kitchen.
Every excuse suddenly disappeared.

Men, I think I speak on behalf of women everywhere: if you envision your night ending with sex, clean the kitchen. Or put the kids to bed. Fold the laundry. Any chore will do. Pick the chore your wife despises the most and do it.

Men who help their wives with annoying daily chores are instantly a thousand times hotter.
And maybe, just maybe, you will be rewarded in the bedroom.

Women, get naked. Just do it. You probably have weight you want to lose. You are tired. You’ve been touched four million times today by your kids. I get it.

But you are also fun. And a previous little rendezvous with your husband is the reason your kids even exist.

A satisfied man is a man who is infinitely more helpful.

So let’s review:
A man helping around the house and with kids = happy wife
Happy wife = A man who is satisfied
A man who is satisfied = Helps around the house and with kids

A simple cycle. Yet it’s easier said than done.

There are a million things that knock us off the simple cycle. Demanding kids. Jobs with long hours. Selfishness. Stress. Not prioritizing each other.

I get it. I truly do.

But if you think about it, helping with a chore and having sex can each be accomplished in a short window of time.

It’s kind of like exercise: it’s hard to take the first step, but once you do, you’re so glad you did.

I am sorry if I am giving you flashbacks to seventh grade health class when you had to hold in giggles as your teacher explained sex to a group of hormonal, awkward teenagers. I normally prefer much more vanilla topics and will return to such topics in the very near future.

But it is my belief that most average marriages are just a few tweaks away from being super awesome. From what I’ve observed, this is the simplest change that yields the highest results. It requires little effort on each person’s part, but the benefits are huge.

Even though it’s hard.

It’s worth it. Your marriage is worth it.

In the words of Charlie Puth’s catchy single, “Let’s Marvin Gaye, and get it on.”

But first clean the kitchen.

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6 thoughts on “This Is Going To Be More Awkward Than Seventh Grade Health Class

  1. Pingback: This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things | The FUNctional Mom

  2. Pingback: Imperfect Hospitality In A Pinterest Perfect World | The FUNctional Mom

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