The 10-Step BFF Manifesto

I dropped my kids off at my BFF’s house for her to watch them for an undetermined number of hours today while I went to a meeting. As I was driving in silence and alone with my thoughts, I thought about how important a BFF is. Especially my BFF.

To give history to our friendship, we’ve been friends for fourteen years…and our husbands the same. In the last six years, our relationship has turned from really good friends to “we couldn’t live without them” friends. They’re as close as family, but not so close that our kids can’t marry each other one day. The brainwashing on this awesome in-law set-up commenced years ago.

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Because our husbands are also besties (though they don’t call themselves that), our relationship is particularly deep. Because we pretty much know everything about everyone involved. A little too much, if you ask me. That’s not actually true. You all know I am an oversharer. And I welcome people oversharing in return.

My kids were probably hungry when I left (all four of them) (with all four of her kids) (that’s eight kids total) at her house. And they were hyped up on ice cream cake from my oldest son’s birthday lunch.

I am a thoughtful friend like that.

I thought to myself that this is the kind of thing you can only do to your BFF.

Which started me down the rabbit trail of thinking, as I mentioned at the start, of why a best friend is so important. And because of my tendency to overshare (also previously mentioned), you, too, can know the responsibilities of a BFF.

  1. She always tells you that you look cute. No matter what. You may have gained ten pounds. You may have a terrible haircut. But a best friend pretends not to notice. (You may say you want someone to always be honest with you. No you don’t. There are times when lying is necessary. You already know your hair looks awful; you need someone to prevent you from thinking bangs will make it better.)
  2. Should you face an untimely death, your BFF has certain responsibilities:
    • She must throw your phone into the ocean. There is information on there (mostly the text stream with her) that NO ONE needs to see. She must get rid of this device as soon as possible so that your friends and family can remember the good things about you instead of the time when you were venting things about your husband THAT ARE VERY REAL AND NOT AT ALL PMS. WHY WOULD HE EVEN THINK I AM ABOUT TO START MY PERIOD. (To which your BFF obviously replied: He is such a jerk. You are so right to feel that way.)

      (And then you text her the next day complaining about cramps.)

      (And she still agrees with you that the previous night’s fight and today’s cramps are unrelated.)

    • She must, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, approve of anyone your widowed husband remarries. The girl must be ugly. She must be a terrible cook. She must be mean. The new wife doesn’t actually have to be these things…and of course, you want your husband to remarry a sweet, wonderful woman to raise your kids. Your best friend just isn’t allowed to approve.

      And if your husband thinks he’s cute and decides to marry a twenty-two year old, your BFF is responsible for sabotaging the relationship. For the children’s sake. Not because she’s cuter than you.

  3. Your BFF does not judge you for anything. Whether you confide in her your most embarrassing secret or call her to ask if she knows anyone looking to adopt four children (on one of those days), she will not pass judgement. She will, instead, confess that her kids watched two movies before lunchtime today.

    And you will talk about how hard it is to raise four kids. And lament that life would be so much easier if your mom lived in town. Or at the very least, you had a sister wife. (That your husband finds unattractive.) (For obvious reasons.)

  4. There is no guilt in your relationship with your best friend. You may go four hours without talking or you may go four weeks. There is no need to explain yourself. There is no need to make excuses. She understands.
  5. She also understands that if you haven’t contacted her in four weeks, the only explanation is that you are in jail. For whatever reason you’ve found yourself in jail, you best friend knows that you could really use the vacation and doesn’t bail you out for a few days. When it comes time for you to appear in court, she is ready with her alibi, no matter the crime.
  6.  Your best friend is reading this list now and laughing…because the only crime you’ve committed this decade is wearing yoga pants too many days in a row. And she and I both know there isn’t enough hand sanitizer in the state of Florida for her to survive one night in the pen. (Also, they probably don’t have Starbucks.)
  7. Your BFF has stopped by when your house is bordering on an episode of Hoarders, and she helps herself to a glass of water while pretending not to stick to the floor. She politely asked if she should take of her shoes before entering, but inside you both know that would have been a horrifying decision.
  8. Your best friend knows every single detail about your life…from why you broke up with your high school boyfriend to the way you take your coffee. She knows the dreams of your heart, and she’s the only person in your life around whom you can let your freak flag fly unapologetically.
  9. Your BFF has seen you at your worst. She’s heard the most terrible things you’ve ever said. But because of number 3, she still thinks you’re the greatest person ever and never speaks a word of your indiscretions to anyone. Her vault of secrets is vast and shall never be spoken of again.
  10. You and your BFF plan your empty nest days the way you plan retirement with your husband. You dream of the trips you’ll take. You imagine all of the time you’ll have, the books you’ll read, and the food you’ll eat when you’ve given up on the hopes of losing your baby weight.

If you are privileged enough to have a BFF as awesome as mine, why not write her a note (I prefer snail mail but a text will do) to tell her? Because one thing I know: friends like this are very hard to find. And even harder to keep. Fortunately for me, though, they say that if you’ve been friends for seven years, you’ll be friends for a lifetime.

Which is very important because you never know when you’ll wake up on day, change out of those yoga pants, and potentially need an alibi.

 

 

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